Trooper Chat #6: The Apette Chronicles
by Lady Electra
Summary: The crew of Trooper Chat get new stuff for their set and Dan's got a new little pet


Fade in  
  
(Bob and Elizabeth are in the set getting the new furniture ready for the show)  
  
Elizabeth (lifting desk with Bob): Why aren't the rest of the guys helping with this?  
  
Bob: Well Kelly and Kim are talking with the guest, Dan's trying to housebreak Attonbitus...  
  
Elizabeth (drops desk on Bob's foot): Who's Attonbitus?   
  
Bob (shrieking): NURSE LOGAN!!!!!!!  
  
(Nurse Logan runs onto the stage and looks at his foot, her hands work so fast that we can't see them. When she's done Bob has a cast going up to his shin)  
  
Nurse Logan: Now keep that cast on for the next 6 weeks, then have Doc take a look at that (walks off).  
  
Elizabeth (sheepish smile): Sorry Bob. But who is Attonbitus?  
  
Bob (glaring daggers): Attonbitus is Dan's new pet, that little electric mongoose.  
  
Elizabeth: Okay...then where's the rest of them?  
  
Bob: Jason...I think he's washing his fairy costume and getting some new frying pans. Rachel is down in the catacombs trying to get you know what for the show...and Laurie, she's still chasing after Max.  
  
(Max comes running across the set with Laurie chasing after him. She stops, sticks two fingers in her mouth and whistles, the horse comes up, she gets on and starts off).  
  
Elizabeth: What does she see in him...his dad, maybe...but him?  
  
Bob: I just wanna know where she keeps that horse.  
  
(Rachel hobbles onto the set looking a bit disheveled and plops down on the couch)  
  
Elizabeth: What happened to you?  
  
Rachel: *sigh* Liz, when was the last time you and Kelly went down to the catacombs and fed those guys?  
  
Elizabeth: *ponders* Ummm, recently.  
  
Rachel: Well you're gonna get them next time.  
  
Bob: C'mon, guys let's get ready for the show.  
  
(They all get up and walk/ limp off stage)  
  
Fade out.  
Fade in  
  
(As the lights come up we see Dan sitting behind the new desk while Elizabeth is seated on the couch next to him)  
  
Dan: Hello and welcome once again to the wacky world of Trooper Chat, I'm your host Dan Wilson.  
  
(Close up on host)  
  
Elizabeth: And I'm your co-host, Elizabeth Clark. So...Dan, how to do you like the new set?  
  
Dan (spins around in his chair): I think this is cool, don't you Attonbitus (holds up electric mongoose)? Oh for all of you who don't speak Latin, Attonbitus means thunderstruck.  
  
Kelly (off stage): How'd you come...never mind I don't want to know how you came up with that.  
  
Elizabeth: Well why don't we don't we start the show. For tonight's guest we have Lt. Inferno, the Apette formally known as Razak's girl.  
  
Dan (stops spinning in chair): So lets give her a warm Trooper Chat welcome (stands up but falls over). Elizabeth, why don't you do this one, I'd help you out, but right now I've gotta wait for the room to stop spinning.  
  
Elizabeth: Whatever. Everyone please put your hands together and give a warm Trooper Chat welcome to Lt. Inferno of the Apettes.  
  
(Lt. Inferno walks up onto the stage while caned applause and cheering is played. Lt. Inferno sits next to Elizabeth)  
  
Dan (crawling back up into chair): Hello Lt. Inferno, and welcome to Trooper Chat.  
  
Lt. Inferno: Thanks for having me.  
  
Dan (spinning in chair again): So what do you think of the new set?  
  
Lt. Inferno: Well whoever picked out the couch this time had much better taste then the last guy.  
  
Kelly (off stage): Hey!  
  
Lt. Inferno: Sorry, didn't mean to step on any toes.  
  
Elizabeth: Oh don't worry 'bout her.  
  
(Just then Jason runs up onto the stage from the right and sits next to Lt. Inferno putting his arm around the Lt.'s neck)  
  
Jason (stupid grin): Hey.  
  
Lt. Inferno: Um...hi.  
  
Jason: Would you go out on a date with me?  
  
Kim (off stage): Don't mind him, he's been watching to many reruns of "The Dating Game".  
  
Lt. Inferno: All right...but no.  
  
Jason (starts crying then stops): Okay, then can you tell me which of these do you like (pulls out three kinds of wrapping paper from behind his back)? I've got zodiac symbols, a star chart, and one with the Chinese zodiac.  
  
Lt. Inferno: The star chart.  
  
Jason: Same here (skips off stage right).  
  
Dan: *blink* *blink* Now that that's all over with, lets start asking the questions. So what first got you into R:STC?  
  
Lt. Inferno: Have you ever had one of those days when you're sick and you have to stay home from school. Then you get board so you start flipping through the channels?  
  
Elizabeth (eyeing Dan as he plays with electric mongoose): Who hasn't?  
  
Lt. Inferno: Well that's what happened to me, in a few eps., I was addicted.  
  
Dan: Well that seems painless. With me they had to...  
  
Rachel (off stage): Dan! The viewers are on a need to know basis, and they do NOT need to know.  
  
Kim (off stage): Like they'd ever want to know.  
  
Dan: Fine. Well this is gonna seem like a dumb question...(gets shocked by Attonbitus) Hey! Like I was saying, who's your fave Roughneck?  
  
Lt. Inferno: Well like my first name said I like Razak, but I also think Diz, Brutto, and T'Ph...  
  
Kelly (off stage): Hit the Deck!  
  
(Everyone gets down, except for Dan who's again spinning in the chair. A red beam of light comes blasting out of right stage, the beam cuts right through Dan's hat)  
  
Dan: AH!! MY HAT!!   
  
Jason (off stage): Sorry 'bout that Dan.  
  
Dan: Nurse LOGAN!!!!!  
  
(She comes up onto the stage and starts looking at his hat)  
  
Dan (near tears): Is there any way you can save it?  
  
Nurse Logan: I think so (pulls out a bit of gauze tape and puts it over the holes and walks off)  
  
Elizabeth: *sigh* Continuing with the questions, so what's you're...  
  
Laurie (off stage): Where's the toolbox!   
  
Bob (hobbling across the stage): Got it.  
  
Kelly (off stage): Nurse Logan, we're gonna need the tranqs.  
  
(Nurse Logan runs across the stage with a small white box)  
  
Dan (a bit perturbed): If that's all over with, I'm gonna continue with the questions. So what's your weapon of choice when you go out stalk...I mean looking for him?  
  
Lt. Inferno (pulls out club and sack): These.  
  
(Suddenly Max run out onto the stage from the left and gets down on knees in front of them)  
  
Max: Please get me out of here! I'll do whatever you want me to. Just get me away from that PSYCHO!  
  
Dan (aggravated): Laurie, would you mind keeping your crush away from the set from now on!  
  
(A lasso comes out of right stage and loops around him)  
  
Max (being dragged off): HELP ME!!!!  
  
Elizabeth: Well...*looks at watch* it's time to cut to the skit.  
  
Fade out.  
Fade in.  
  
(Lt. Inferno, Bob, Kelly and Rachel are all seated at different tables. There's a brick wall behind them with a single spotlight and a microphone)  
  
Bob: This better not be what I think it is.  
  
Lt. Inferno (nervous): What would that be?  
  
(Before he can answer Kim walks out onto the stage).  
  
Kim: Welcome one and all to the first ever Trooper Chat comedy night. So lets give it up for our first comedian Dan (she gets off the stage and sits next to Bob as Dan walks out and takes the mic)  
  
Dan: Hey, so how you all doing tonight? *no one answers* Well then, here I go. How many software guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?  
  
(Unseen cricket starts chirping)  
  
Dan: None. That would be a hardware guy problem.  
  
Bob: Get off the stage!  
  
Lt. Inferno: Don't quit your day job!  
  
Dan: I would if I could, but they've got me on a 'play for pay contract' *relaxes*. Hey do any of you know how many Roughnecks it takes to screw in a light bulb?   
  
(Just then Nurse Logan, Laurie, and Jason walk onto the stage dragging a large star chart paper wrapped gift. Dan just goes on)  
  
Dan: It takes three. Gossard needs to make it, Rico needs to screw it in, and Doc needs to check Rico out after electrocutes himself.  
  
Nurse Logan (yanks frying pan away from fairy boy): You dare to mock the trooper of my affections (jumps onto Dan's back and starts hitting him over the head with it). I shall make you pay!  
  
Dan (running around stage): Get her off! Get her off!  
  
Fade out.  
Fad in.  
  
(Elizabeth and Lt. Inferno are seated on the couch while Kelly is seated where Dan should be)  
  
Kelly: Hello, and welcome back to Trooper Chat. I'm Kelly Philips acting host while Dan is taken to the hospital. Now in a little while Kim should be calling in and telling us what Dan's condition is. So till then we're gonna go on with the show. You're an Apette right?  
  
Lt. Inferno: Yeah...  
  
Elizabeth: Sorry if these seem a bit dull, but we got most of the interesting questions answered in the first part so we're kinda killin' time. So what would you do if you ever caught him?  
  
Lt. Inferno: You don't wanna know, trust me.  
  
(Jason and Laurie come up dragging an unconscious Lt. Razak and put him on the couch next to Lt. Inferno)  
  
Jason: We sorta forgot to give this to you during the skit. Hope you like it.   
  
Lt. Inferno: *evil grin* Thanks...I'm sure I will.  
  
Laurie: He's gonna be out for a while.   
  
Jason: Yeah, I think Nurse Logan gave him to much tranquilizer fluid (to prove Jason's point Lt. Razak rolls over onto his side and starts snoring)  
  
Kelly: I've just gotten word that Kim has arrived at the hospital, let's check in with her now.   
  
(There's a brief moment of static before Kim appears).  
  
Kim: Are we on?   
  
Rachel: Yeah.  
  
Kim: Good. Hello I'm Kim Phillips reporting live from County Court Hospital where just moments ago Dan was brought in. Here's the doctor now, lets see if he can tell us anything (shoves microphone in his face)? Doctor what's the prognosis on the young man just brought in here?  
  
Doctor: Right now he's unconscious, due to being repeatedly hit over the head with a blunt object (holds up dented frying pan with a dent in the shape of Dan's head in it). We had to pry this off his head.   
  
Kim: What will happen to him now?  
  
Doctor: We'll keep him over night for observation.  
  
Kim: How long do you think he'll need to stay here?  
  
Doctor: Three too five days. May I ask you a question?  
  
Kim: I guess.  
  
Doctor: What attacked him? From all the cuts and scraps on him, it appears that it might be a wild animal of some kind, and that to get it off of him he whacked himself with the frying pan to get it off.  
  
Rachel: What attacked him was wild yes, but as to was it an animal, well we're still debating that.  
  
(Doctor raises an eyebrow and leaves)  
  
Kim: Well judging by the time, we should be getting back to you guys at the studio, from Count Court Hospital I'm Kim Phillips reporting.   
  
(There's a second moment of static then we're back in the set)  
  
  
Kelly: Thanks Kim, well sadly to say, it's time to go.  
  
Lt. Inferno: Yeah, I've gotta get back to the Quicksilver, so goodnight folks (waves goodbye along with Kelly and Elizabeth)  
  
Fade out.  
  



End file.
